Jokes Thread!

[Neil !]

Ok Rules are as follows with this forum rules
chesterbonline.proboards85.com/index.cgi?board=funny&action=display&thread=885

EXTRA RULES

YOU MUST POST A JOKE TO REPLY TO ANYTHING!
ANYONES REPLY WHICH DOES NOT HAVE A JOKE WILL BE DELETED

BAD Eg:
PERSON 1: Why did the boy throw the clock out the window? To see time fly

PERSON 2: lol thats funny
!END!

GOOD eg:
PERSON 1: Why did the boy throw the clock out the window? To see time fly

PERSON 2: lol thats funny. my turn.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
No one.
No one who?
.......
!END!

ok yes, i know they were lame jokes but you MUST reply with ANY type of joke.

[Neil !]

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

[JEN]

LOL! And I hadn't heard it either.

---

A blonde, brunette and a red head all died and before they got into heaven God told them they had to listen to 100 jokes and if they didn’t laugh at any of them they could go.

The red head goes first and gets to the 34th joke and laughs so God told her she couldn’t got to heaven.

The brunette goes next and she gets to the 70th joke and laughs and God tells her sorry you made it far but you can’t go to heaven.

Then the blonde goes and gets to the 99th joke and God was so impressed he said “Wow you have come really far here is your next joke” and before he could begin to tell the next joke the blonde just busted up laughing and God says “what was that for i didn’t even start the joke?”

“I just got the first one!”

[JEN]

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Billy Bob, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” Billy Bob answered, “but I don’t think my Pa would like me to.”

“Aw, come on boy,” the farmer insisted.

“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but my Pa won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Billy Bob thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my Pa is going to be real mad.”

“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is your Pa?”

“Under the wagon.”

[Neil !]

Lol at the first one. hadnt heard that one. the 2nd ones a good one.

--------------------------------------

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

[ChesterDEAN]

What's yellow from the inside and black in the outside?..................... a NINJA CHICKEN B-)

[joey]

it has 45 balls and it f**ks every woman
the lottery

[lpfan]

What did the boiled egg say to the water?

"It's gong to be awhile till i get hard, i just got layed last night!"

[Zakul]

Hey neil, remember this one?


Why did the cupcake crash his car?
He was totally baked.

[Gna]

--Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

--Kid: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Kid: good, because i didn't do my homework

--What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot

--Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicapped spots.

[AvaLoN213]

Whats the difference between Santa Clause and Tiger Woods?


Santa stops at 3 hoes.

[Gna]

Black Eyes

A man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.”

The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?”

“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”

[Gna]

Bar Joke


A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, “Give me six double vodka.”
The barman says, “Wow! you must have had very bad day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, “What the hell? Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

“Yes, my wife…”

[Gna]

Blonde Kidnapping

A blonde is out of money and (after buying air at a real bargain) needed money desperately. To get some cash, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom just like in Hollywood movies.

She went to a playground, grabbed a kid randomly, and told the kid, “I’ve kidnapped you.” She then wrote a big note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a bag and leave it under the mango tree next to the playground. Signed, A naughty blonde.”
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the mango tree.

The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”

[Gna]

Chuck Norris Jokes

--The only reason you woke up this morning is because Chuck Norris allowed you too.

--Do you know why God is called "God"?
Because "Chuck Norris" is already taken.

--Do you know why babys cry when they are born?
Because they know they are entering the world with chuck Norris in it.

--Most leading hand sanitizers say that they can kil 99.99% of all germs.
Chuck Norris can kill 100% of WHATEVER HE WANTS.

--Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris........ After 5 days of extreme pain........ the snake died.